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Guy With Dog

Seriously, in Austin a Guy With Dog is almost inevitable, they are more than a dime a dozen, there are more Guys With Dog than there are Austin girls with hipster high-waisted Levi’s cutoffs…and that’s a big statement for anyone who knows anything about Austin. Guy With Dog has pretty much got to be my favorite type of guy. Now take the beloved Guy With Dog and put him on the patio of a trendy coffee shop with subpar coffee and unreasonably attractive people, and Guy With Dog has just knowingly upped the ante. Like a lot.

Today one Guy With Dog in particular came to one of my favorite coffee shops clearly in it to win it. He sipped on his iced coffee while the leash of his “young enough to be a puppy and old enough to be calm in a public setting” dog (winning point 1) sat happily under his seat between his feet (winning point 2). Talk about freakin’ adorable (Ooohh, fuzzy!). Then as the girls (pretty ones!) flocked to fawn over his painfully adorable pup, do you know what Guy With Dog did? He didn’t even look up. Hot girls, literally on their knees, asking him about his dog and Guy With Dog appears as if he could care less…which of course only makes said fawning girls only want him more (winning point 3). See? Guy With Dog knows exactly how to play it. He effortlessly grabs every girl in the vicinity’s attention with a puppy, then pulls even the most basic gameplaying move, rejecting a girl who clearly wants something to do with you despite your body language that screams “emotionally unavailable” to make them want you even more. There’s no way Guy With Dog didn’t know what he was doing. There’s just no freaking way.

I got you Guy With Dog, I see what you’re doing and I know I shouldn’t respect it…I know I really shouldn’t…and yet, I cant help but want to applaud you. Without lifting a single finger, you’ve secured every girl in this place, free to pick and choose whichever girl you fancy the most. Guy With Dog, you sure a coy little bastard, and sadly enough, I’ll probably be right there with those girls asking what your dog’s name is as if it provides some insight into who you are a person or your goals/passions/hobbies/deep dark past that I’ve already imagined you have.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again until the day I die. Every guy who complains about being single despite being a good guy who is a little shy, it really is as simple as getting a dog (preferably a puppy…those few months are prime time for picking up girls) and taking it out in public. The girls? They will flock. Then fawn. And there you have it. The only tried and true way to meet a girl.

Don’t believe me? Just ask any Guy With Dog you run into.

The Angry Sister

This just in, in case you haven’t already noticed, I’m basically like a leaky faucet but instead of water droplets, it’s just a constant drip of embarrassing information about myself. Take for example my Twitter page, which might as well just be called “Anj’s Most Embarrassing Moments and Thoughts,” as it proudly flaunts my affinity for stalking Miley Cyrus’ twitter pictures, an unhealthy obsession for considerably healthy falafels from Maoz, and an uncontrollable hatred for girls who think they’re special because they do yoga.

Sidebar: Have you ever noticed that they girls who think they’re special because they do yoga are also the ones whose hair bounces when they walk, each slight sway back and forth trying to piss you off more than the last. Nobody should be that perky after they’ve just stretched and bent their body into ungodly shapes with equally ungodly names.

Regardless, I’ve been playing the role of “the angry sister” (not african-american sister, just sibling sister) for quite some time now. So not so surprisingly, I happen to get very excited at the thought of generally annoying the guys I date. I’m not a fight picker so much as person who gladly takes any chance to be stubborn in a relationship for no reason at all. Because that’s so much better, right? Yeah. I think so too. I actually have running fights with the guy I’m dating that have probably lasted since day one, always about apparently little yet strangely important things that would probably never be considered important by anyone else’s standards. (But then again, not many other people’s standards would allow them to get as excited about discovering Wine-flavored gummy candy, so…I’m thinking I’m pretty okay with my standards.) I like to say things like, “it’s on principle,” even when I sometimes have yet to decide which actual principle it is on. Oh, but don’t you worry, I’ll fight to the death until I figure out that principle, because I’ll be damned if I let you win a fight about who would win in throwdown between Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks. I’ll repeat, I’ll be damned. 

Yeah, I’m that girl.

Any takers? Yeah. I didn’t think so.